I’ve always longed for adventure
To do the things I’ve never dared
Now here i’m facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?
My chickens. I’ve had a bit of time off from writing lately. The ability to write fabulous fiction is fraught from the offset when the little ones are on school and kindy holidays.
Blog posts I can squeeze in here and there, but writing in the fictional form requires that I take myself off to other places, put myself in the metaphorical shoes of my characters and stomp around in their world for a while. This is quite hard when you are constantly and often abruptly pulled back into your own world by children demanding you watch them stick their head between their legs, try and lick their elbow or provide another round of snacks to fill their hollow legs.
Small children do not understand that Vanessa/Samantha/Mary/Melissa has had her heart broken by the misogynist Magnus, and that in her deep despair she is about to lose the opportunity of a life time to cruise the Med on a luxury yacht and meet the man of her dreams, who is waiting, just around the corner, probably on a bus, because, men are apparently like buses, or at least in chic lit they are. Not built like buses you understand, not the sexy ‘happily ever after’ ones anyway. Those ones are all Shane Filan from Westlife singing Catch my breath
“I don’t wear your shoes,” I say, “how would I know where you put it?” But they still pester and beg me until I help them find the shoe, which is inevitably lying in the middle of the floor, in plain sight.
“I must-int have looked there,” they will say, and then they will say “Mum, I’m hungry.” Or versions of this including…
“I’m stiiiillll hungry,”
“What can I have,”
“I don’t want fruit,”
“I want something from the cupboard,”
“Is it morning tea time yet?”
“Is it afternoon tea time yet?”
“What will I get if I eat my dinner?”
There is also a level of guilt that rises up in the Mother Hen side of my brain, because I know when I’m in a story, I’m not in their world, and I really don’t want to be ignoring them. Hence, I try and grab an hour or two when Aidan is home, but otherwise, I try to leave the writing alone while the kids are at home.
This week we are back to kindy and school, so I found myself yesterday morning in a quiet house, blowing the dust off my writing files and trying to find my writing mojo.
When ever I have been away from the keyboard for a period of time, I come back to it with a level of angst… I have to fight that voice in my head saying What are you doing? Writing? What a laugh. Go and get yourself a ‘real’ job.
Oh, I must stop these doubts,
All these worries.
If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back!
I must dream of the things I am seeking.
I am seeking the courage I lack.
I have to kick those negatives in the butt, because for the first time in my life I’m doing something I love. I’m not saying it’s easy. There are days when I sit down at my desk and three minutes later I find myself hanging out the washing or even more shocking – emptying the dishwasher, and you know it must be a desperate avoidance tactic if I’m doing my housework!
So I have to drag my self back to my desk and I read the little note stuck to my speaker that says “get my book published” and the little note my sister wrote under it that says “write faster.” and so that’s what I do.
I give myself “I can” messages. I employ all manner of courage and confidence boosting tricks and tactics. Positive affirmations, I remind myself of the stories I have had published, and I think about my favourite authors and I close my eyes and imagine what it will be like when I am standing in a bookshop, holding a book in my hands that has my name on it. GULP. I want that more than anything, so I fill my cup with tea and my mouth with ginger crunch. I square my shoulders, pull up my chair, and I write.
With each step I am more certain,
Everything will turn out fine.
I have confidence,
The world can all be mine!
They’ll have to agree
I have confidence in me.
I have confidence in sunshine,
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again!
Besides, which you see
I have confidence in me.