We need to celebrate our biscuits – for if we woke up tomorrow and all the biscuits had disappeared, there would be a great deal of despair that crept the length of the country. John Campbell’s caravan of complaint would be overcome with sad and angry individuals lamenting the loss of their chocolate fingers, their cameo cremes and their fruit fingers.
So here are my top reasons why biscuits are best!
1. Biscuits are dunk-tastic
You can dunk a biscuit in your cup of tea. Try doing that with a cupcake and you’ll be needing a teaspoon to scoop the soggy sponge from the bottom of your tea cup. Now that’s not pretty. But a gingernut or a chocolate finger make the perfect dunking doodads! And if you’re feeling a little fabulous – a Tim Tam slam is just for you…
2. Variety is the biscuit texture spice of life
There are so many choices when it comes to biscuits, you’ll be hard placed not to find something you like. No wonder there’s always a traffic jam in the biscuit aisle at the supermarket… so many to choose from! Soft and squishy your thing? You can go for a Jaffa cake. If you like em plain and simple, a super wine is probably for you. Gooey caramel – Toffee Pops all the way. How about something with a snap? Something extra crunchy? Perhaps you’d like a gingernut or an ANZAC biscuit.
So many choices!
3. Biscuits are TOTALLY diet friendly
Everyone knows you can have half a packet of biscuits and you’ve virtually eaten nothing. There is far less guilt in half a packet of farmbake, than there is in half a tray of cupcakes. No one knows how many farmbakes were in there to start with, but someone is sure to know if you started out with a tray of six cupcakes, and there’s only two left. Some well-meaning family member will say;
“Where did all the cupcakes go?”
But you can have half a bag of chocolate fudge biscuits and the next person to come along will just stick their hand in and take three. And then the next person, and the next, until someone gets the broken bits at the bottom of the bag. And no one will say;
“what happened to the farmbake?” they’ll just say “we’re out of farmbake,” and you can say
“Okay, open another bag,” or “write it on the list, I’ll get some more tomorrow!”
4. It’s not just a biscuit…
Sometimes it’s TWO biscuits! There is such symmetrical, balanced joy in the two biscuit arrangement. You can eat them in one bite, or spend an inordinate amount of time prising them apart and licking the cream off each side!! Entertaining, great use of fine motor skills, and delicious – all at the same time!
5. Biscuits are better for secret squirrels
Go on. Whether you’re 5, 15, 35 or 75 … there will always be times when you need a secret sweet treat moment. If you’re 5, it’s probably when your Mummy says you can have two, and that’s all, so you manage to snaffle an extra one into your pocket, so that between your first and your second permitted biscuits, you can shove the third one in, hopefully without anyone noticing.
Five year olds note, take said third biscuit to a quiet spot behind the trampoline if you would like more luck with your snaffling.
If you’re 15, you might be inclined to work your way from one extra biscuit, through to 13 extras, then really your best bet is to eat the whole packet. Be warned – dispose of all evidence (put wrappers under two-day old chicken left overs in bottom of bin). Do not hide packets and wrappers under your bed. Your mother will eventually get to your bed, even if it’s 9 months later, and you might have totally forgotten about the packet of toffee pops you ate last summer, and be totally over it, but she will remember word for word your claims of having no idea what she was talking about back in January when she asked you if you knew where the packet of biscuits had gone!
At 35, you owe no one an explanation. But when it’s 15 minutes till tea time and you’ve absolutely flat-out refused the small children in your house any biscuits because they will ruin their dinner, there’s a need for discretion. Unless you’re keen on a half hour screaming match of “Why do you get biscuits and I don’t.”
Try sneaking a cupcake in the few seconds you’ve got between listening to their reading and not letting the sausages burn in the pan. Not possible. But if your like me, it will take you approximately 8 seconds to stuff a biscuit in your mouth while hiding behind the cupboard door, claiming you are “looking for the sauce.” And you can do this multiple times while the dinner is cooking.
When you’re 75 you can do what the hell you like. If you want to eat biscuits for dinner, I say go for it. You could choose one with fruit in it – vitamins and fibre, say a fruit digestive or a fruit slice? Wash it down with a glass of milk and you’ve probably hit all the main food groups.